The Hess Report


Monday, June 30, 2003

Two weeks ago, SciFi!Joy and I went to see Matrix: Reloaded again. We first saw it in a West Philadelphia theater of mixed and vociferous patronage, which can be fun. Our viewing this time was in subarban north Pittsburgh, which is about as white a place as you're likely to find. There were maybe ten other people in the theater, tops, and I was viewing that as God's own personal message to me that I could watch the movie in the attentive silence that I can usually only achieve when watching something at home, alone, which is to say, never. So that's probably why I overreacted to Joy's upon-reflection-not-really-so-noisy gum chewing. But she did crack it once. And blew a bubble that popped and made a bit of noise. Willful neglect, I think.

But I did over react a bit, and as such deserved the comment moments later that I was picking my nose and that it was gross. Extra irony points would have been given had she said that the sound of me picking my nose was distracting her.

But it was a trumped up charge, I guarantee you. First, by my even saying that I was "picking my nose" grants a temporal continuance and longevity to the event that did not exist. Here's what happened: I'm sitting there watching Keanu Reeves say something with his silly accent like "Hello Boys" or whatever, when I feel a startling little itch on the portion of my upper lip that extends vertically to become the divider between the nasal cavaties. Some would describe this as being part of the nose, but others would not as the location of the itch was not past the plane of the nostril. So, as one would do with the occasional itch, I placed the clean edge of the nail of my right index finger upon it. It was at this point I realized that the was not the silly, spontaneously appearing-then-remitting kind that you get on your calf or your triceps, or wherever. Nay. There was an irritant at hand. Apparently, a collection of ambient dust had combined with certain self-produced materials to create what I would like to call a "formidable solid irritant." Already being halfway there, I effected its removal by the most efficient means necessary. Ahem.

So if you want to say that I engaged in the expiditious relocation of serendipitously discovered pseudo-organic nasal irritants, then be my guest. But don't tell me I was picking my nose. That's just gross.

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