The Hess Report

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

The Glory of the Robot Grabby Arm

Last year, my parents were getting ready to leave after a nice visit at my house. My dad remembered something, ran out to his truck, and came back with a plastic bag. He said, "You know how you guys could never buy anything when you went on field trips in school? I always felt bad about that. So I got you this." I opened the bag, and it was, indeed, a Robot Grabby Arm.

It was a silly thing for him to do, intended in silliness and accepted as such, but it was also kind of touching for me (Hi Dad!). I'll just say that no man ought to try to wrest possession of my Robot Grabby Arm from me, lest he find himself in the hospital with two broken femurs and a mouthful of no teeth.

But everyone reading this needs to own a Robot Grabby Arm. Here is what I've done with mine, so far:

1. Chased people with it.
2. Extracted things from behind the couch without moving the couch.
3. Extracted tools dropped into electrically live areas without throwing the breaker.
4. Turned off night lights that would have been impossible to reach without waking sleeping children.
5. Caught hurled stuffed animals out of mid-air, like a dog catches a frisbee.
6. Pulled my arm into my shirt, stuck the Grabby Hand out of the end of my sleeve and pretended that I couldn't control my new mechanical hand.
7. Pinched butts.
8. Grabbed a five foot black rat snake by the head.

You so totally need to have a Robot Grabby Arm. If you have a nice Dad, he'll buy one for you.

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