The Hess Report


Monday, September 08, 2003

As one of the main purposes of this blog is to give my kids something to read twelve years from now when they refuse to believe that I'm anything but a robotic voicebox whose sole reason for being is to say "no", I'm going to play a little catch up today. In other words, these aren't necessarily the most recent events, but stuff that I want to have written down for future, um, legal purposes.

First on the list: Maddie's Literary Analysis
Sitting at the dinner table, keeping company with Maddie while she eats her bedtime snack. Earlier that day, she'd watched Sleeping Beauty for the first time in many months, and we were discussing it.

"Maleficent made her outside like her inside," she said, referring to the evil fairy's transformation into a black dragon at the end. I know that she says stuff like this simply because it pleases me, but I'll take it. Oooo, and bonus insight opportunity coming up.

"So if you could use that spell on yourself, what it make you?" I asked.

"Oh, I'd just be myself," she said. I was waiting to hear a princess or somesuch, and this was much cooler than expected.

"What would I be?" I said.

"You'd be Batman!" Oh, you good, perceptive, intelligent girl.

A Kid Just Knows
Lucy wants me to watch a certain Wiggles song with her, which I can actually tolerate. It's the one with the scary puppets, the helium voices, the disco beat and the psychedelic background. I honestly believe that they made this "video" in the hopes that it would be become an underground drug-culture club hit. Whatever. It's completely nuts, and I like watching it every now and then. So this wacky song plays through and the next one on the tape starts.

It's a song about dancing in which all four wiggles flit about the screen singing serenely, performing ballet moves like ballerinas. I'm no fan of ballet, but I'm not a complete rube either. There's ballet for men. And there's ballet for women. These four guys were doing the ballet for women. One of them looked like he wanted to kill himself.

Maddie's question: "Why are boys doing that?"

Okay. Think a second. "Because some boys like to do girl stuff."

"All boys?"

"Nope."

"Why?"

"They just do." Because it's in their DNA. And, to a greater or lesser degree, because they're Daddies weren't around in one way or another. But she doesn't need to hear that yet.

"Oh. Do you?"

"What do you think?"

"You play Barbies with me."

"Right. I play Barbie's because it's fun to play with you, and you like Barbies. If you didn't like Barbies I wouldn't play with them." And don't tell the neighbors.

So we've got the gay thing covered pretty well already, I think.

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