The Hess Report


Thursday, February 10, 2005

With Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I'd pass this along, as it's been helpful for me since I figured it out. Well, at least when I remember to implement it. You see, it's a command line option, and men aren't very scriptable or event-aware, so you have to remember to key it in every time you use it.

Situation: Female presents you with three options among leisure activities. All seem to be of equivalent quality.

What you say: "Mmmm. Doesn't matter. I don't really care what we do."
What she hears: "Mmmm. YOU don't matter. I don't really care about YOU!"

That brings a bad outcome. Say the same thing but in a better way, realizing that what you say is not really about what you think it is. It's really about your relationship and your level of commitment.

What you say: "Wow. Those all sound great. I'm sure I'll love whichever one you pick."
What she hears: "Wow. YOU'RE great. I'm sure I love YOU!"

So remember, males, that women have some sort of scripting language in their brains. Maybe PHP, maybe Perl, but whatever it is, it recognizes regexes. I have determined that their regular expression parser is set to insert themselves, generally in a variation of the form "YOU", into pretty much everything you say that does not already contain the term. Knowing that, you can say two things that mean exactly the same to a standard language parser (male brain), but that could be the difference between happiness and disaster for the special person in your life who's been saddled with a /(subject)|(object)/YOU/ regex for all incoming text.

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