The Hess Report


Thursday, September 22, 2005

Five Weeks Is Up 

Maddie's cast came off today. I can't wait to see her. Of course, she was a model prisoner at the doctors', as is always the case. She's the brave kid with cancer who is always smiling and telling a joke, even when everyone else is depressed. Not me. Adversity makes me simply determined to conquer it, and I kind of focus on that to the exclusion of all else, including my demeanor. And if you've ever been around me when I'm not paying attention to my demeanor, well, it isn't pretty. Actually, it's not even close to pretty. It's more like ten-dollar-hooker-who-hasn't-brushed-her-teeth-in-seven-weeks nasty.

In light of that, I'm going to try to avoid getting long-term illnesses and such. As I've said in the past, when I'm ninety and contract whatever degenerative brain disease is still around that they haven't licked, I'm taking up freehand mountain climbing. Or maybe I'll just start drinking. A lot. I'm nicer when I've been drinking. Ask any of my friends. Or my family. Well, the kids couldn't attest to that specifically, not yet, but if you asked them they could probably come up with "Yeah, Daddy's nicer when he smells funny." (I'm trying to decide if I should let mortified!Joy add an editorial note that I'm only joking, or if I should just own up to it straight away.)

Anyway, the point is (can't you tell?) that Maddie's cast is off. She called me right after the doctors' office and sounded a bit upset. I asked her what was wrong.

"It feels weird," she said.

"I know. You're just not used to having air on your skin."

"No," she said. "It feels like there's too much gravity on my arm."

Cha-ching! That kid really knows how to push her old man's buttons. Too much gravity on her arm. I'll have to figure out some way to slip her fifty bucks just for saying that.

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