The Hess Report

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Random Stuff That'll Make You Glad You Don't Live With Me (unless you actually live with me) 

Weird Viruses

Last week, Lucy came down with hives on her legs, which faded into a raised rash. At first, we suspected a reaction to the red dye in some Jello from school, but the docs seemed to think it was probably just her reaction to some random virus. Two days later, my arms developed the same light rash, which bolstered the virus theory. It's an odd one, and I think we all have it here, to some degree. Joint aches/stiffness, rash for Lucy and me, and a dry occasional cough.

At least we're not farting feathers, so it can't be the bird flu. Come to think of it, though, bird flu might be kind of cool. From what I understand, it turns you into a bird, and then you get the flu. I'm guessing it's like those old cartoons where each person's dog looks just like them, but, like, in a dog version. So, if John Kerry gets bird flu, he turns into a pelican, then starts barfing. My kids turn into cute little ducklings. I, of course, turn into some kind of ass-kicking pterodactyl/bald eagle hybrid with a scorpion tail who gets the runs.

But even if that happens, it would be better than the regular flu. Have you ever seen bird barf? Its mostly just bits of empty seed husk, and sometimes hard clumps of undigested seed that reminds you of granola. And which would you rather clean up? Compare mental images of the pie scene from Stand By Me to the thought of a couple hippies tossing handfuls of trail mix around the room. Sign me up for the bird flu!


Pretty much all the tv shows that anyone watches have reached their season finales/endings by now. I'm not a big fan of the season cliffhanger. Personally, I'd rather see things wrapped up and start something new next time, than have some silly "suspenseful" ending that gets resolved in the first ten minutes of next season anyway. It's the MUST SEE SURPRISE ENDING TO THE SEASON WHERE EVERYONE DIES AND EVERYONE GETS PREGNANT! Right.

But if you watched 24 this season, you know you've got something great to look forward to next time. In the last few minutes, Jack was kidnapped by the Chinese government in retaliation for his murder of one of their consuls from two seasons ago. They kicked him around, threatened him, etc. As Dr. Evil would say: pretty standard, really.

Here's the amazing part, though. I've read that next season will be all about Jack escaping from a Chinese prison and getting back to the U.S. To do that, he's going to have to fist fight all one billion Chinese citizens. Not saying he can't do that, but there are certain logistics involved when you only have twenty-four hours to work with. I mean, the kids he can probably take out four or five with a single punch, because he's tougher than Batman. But at least some of those kids will be kung fu masters, as will most of the women and certainly all of the men, so he'll have to spend a little more time on that.

Even if they get Curtis involved, and have Chloe show up with her machine gun and drunk-zapper, and even have the ghosts of Edgar and President Palmer appear to bring some posthumous smackdown, they're going to have a hard time defeating a billion Chinese in the allotted time. I tried to do the math, but my crappy office calculator won't even let me enter 1,000,000,000, so I can't figure out how much ass they'd have to kick every second to make it work.

Oh well. They've always stayed within the bounds of credulity before, so I'm sure they'll figure out some way to make it work.

Outdoor Weather vs. Indoor Weather

I feel the need to point out to various parties that when it's hotter than the corona of the sun outside, and you've been doing yard work and drinking molten lava to cool down from it that of course it's going to feel cool inside the house. Nevermind the actual temperature. Numbers are for suckers, I tell you! Nevermind that the dog found the electric clippers and shaved herself bald just so she could avoid spontaneous combustion as long as she remained absolutely still.

I suppose that trying to sleep in eighty-five degrees with high humidity and stagnant air is the thing to do if you're in Manilla and drunk, but it brings back really bad memories of childhood for me.

"Mom and Dad, it's too hot to sleep. All the other kids have air conditioning at their houses!"

"Here's some paper. Fold yourself a fan."

"How can I go to sleep if I'm fanning myself?"

"You'll figure it out."

"Hey -- what was that plopping sound?"

"Eh, I think the cat just melted."

Nah. I kid.

Sort of.

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