The Hess Report


Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I Saw Hitler This Morning 

In the mornings, I cruise into the city via the Parkway North, get off at the East Street exit, cut through a couple blocks of the North Side, cross the 16th street bridge, go up the Strip and there I am. It's not the bad part of the North Side, so it's not like I drive through there with locked doors and clenched teeth. Until today.

Why start to worry now? Crossing the street in front of me as I waited at the light: Hitler. I'm pretty sure it was. He had the haircut and the mustache. Taller than he looked in the pictures, but he was wearing a long gray coat. No black belt, though. The hair and mustache had faded a little toward white, so maybe he was counting on that to minimize the visual impact of the 'stache. With the exception of Tom Selleck (and John Bolton for us political junkies), the Hitler mouthbrow is one of the most powerful in human history. It wouldn't do to be flashing that sucker around at full intensity in a little town like Pittsburgh.

Other observations about Hitler? Pretty spry for someone who both shot and poisoned himself. Also, he was walking with a heavy, middle aged black woman. They seemed to be quite friendly toward one another, so I'm guessing he's mellowed out a bit, too.

On the off chance that this wasn't Hitler, I'm forced to wonder what possesses someone to look in the mirror and say "You know, if I only grew the 'stache, I'd look just like Hitler!" and then do it. Either way, I'm locking my doors on the way to work from now on.

[Need to call someone a Nazi, but be cute about it? Hitler emoticons!]

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