The Hess Report

Monday, February 23, 2009

Virtually Uncloggable 

On Sunday, Lucy had an Irish dancing gig at a local ethnic festival. We were there about forty-five minutes before she went on stage, so Maddie and I decided to hop across the road to Home Depot to grab a few specialty light bulbs and price some paint. After snagging the bulbs, we wandered around for a couple of minutes on our way to the paint swatches. Maddie noted the toilets on sale ($78!) and we wondered how expensive a consumer-grade toilet could be, and, if sufficiently expensive, what your extra money would buy you, feature-wise.

On discovering the bathroom aisle, we learned that, in fact, the two most expensive toilets were $289 (the Champion 4) and $349 (the Cimarron). First of all, that should obviously be the "Champion #2." Duh. And I thought a Cimarron was a kind of car. What we found hilarious, though, were the marketing bullet points on these deluxe crappers.

The Champion 4 boasted: "Virtually uncloggable!" and "Flushes a bucket of 30 golf balls!" which is awesome, because I can't tell you how many times I've clogged our toilets by crapping out a bucket full of golf balls. I'm also wondering if "virtually uncloggable" means that it is "nearly uncloggable," or that, when it's clogged there is a virtual reality system for unclogging it, as in "the means of unclogging this toilet are virtual." Like a little video game or something. Poo Blasters.

The Cimarron is apparently the Cadillac of consumer toilets. Or maybe the muscle car. It's big boast: "Bulk Flushing Power!"

Think about that for a minute. Concentrate on the word "bulk." You know what they mean. Bulk. Dude. It's amazing that they're willing to say it. But, if you're the kind of person who knows that they need, well, bulk flushing power, it's nice to know that not only is someone looking out for you, but they're willing to let you know in a fairly straightforward manner.

Maddie and I were laughing so hard we had to leave the aisle. On to paints.

We were looking at metallic finish swatches for the living room. She kept grabbing nasty colors that really what interiors!Joy and I were after. When she pulled a decent one I said to her:

"You know what I like about that one?"


"The bulk flushing power!"

I think that's my new go-to expression. Imagine the possibilities...

At work...

"Why'd you do that? What were you thinking?"

"Um... I was distracted by the bulk flushing power."

At home...

"Sweetie, will you help me move the couch?"

"I thought you had plenty of bulk flushing power on your own."

Even at church...

"We'd like you to serve on the marketing committee."

"Now we'll really get some bulk flushing power!"

Some words and phrases lose their meaning when repeated. Just say "clogged" seven or eight times, and it turns into nothing more than disconnected syllables to my ears. But even with extreme repitition, some phrases retain their linguistic power. Their bulk flushing power. I think I've just found a new mantra.

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